Don't Let Anyone Steal Your Light

If you are an empathic and kind person you may find yourself in a situation with either an abusive or manipulative person who will attempt to undermine your self-confidence in ways you could never imagine. When this happens it is a natural response to feel confusion.

If this person is supposed to be a loving and supportive person then why are they making me feel so bad? This type of confusion is the first sign that you are dealing with an emotionally abusive and manipulative personality type.

You may try to explain yourself (maybe he/she just did not understand me) or even defend yourself. The manipulator will counter your attempts by poking fun at you, ignoring you or showing contempt.

At this point you realize you are not being loved and supported in the ways you thought you would be and that this person is actually trying to undermine your belief in yourself.

It is very easy to become deeply confused, question yourself and your own motives, begin losing sleep or sleeping too much, become depressed and eventually, despondent.

It is important to know you are not alone in this. If someone is stealing your light and you begin feeling helpless and hopeless know that help is out there. You are not the first person to have experienced mind-games, torment and emotional abuse. You will not be the last. The most important thing you can do is take steps to break the cycle of abuse and heal yourself and your life.

Finding a therapist or clinician who is experienced in dealing with personality disorders can greatly assist you in making clear the behaviors and motivations of the emotional abuser or manipulator. Knowledge is power and knowing exactly what you are dealing with can be very empowering.

If you find yourself in danger of any kind (or if you even feel you may be in danger) then please reach out to one of the many support groups and organizations which have been created to help in exactly these kinds of situations. Psychological abuse is abuse and there are many hotlines and organizations which are experts in helping you to get out of a seemingly hopeless situation. 

Here are some hotlines and organizations listed below: 

Telephone Hotlines and Links for Help in the United States
Plus link below for the National Network to End Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-SAFE or (TTY) (800) 787-3224

National Network to End Domestic Violence (202) 543-5566
http://www.nnedv.org

National Resource Ctr. Domestic Violence (800) 537-2238

National Suicide Prevention Hotline 24/7 (800) 273-8255

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

If you need help finding an abuse, violence or suicide prevention hotline in your country or locale message us and we will help you find it!

Some examples of someone trying to steal your light include but are not limited to:

• Putting down your accomplishments
• Minimizing your feelings, thoughts and dreams
• Discouraging you from achieving your goals
• Making you feel your desires and thoughts are silly, ignorant or stupid
• Making you feel ugly or undesirable
• Making you feel unworthy
• Making you doubt yourself or making you feel excessively shy
• Muting you in any situation
• Making you feel like you don't want to share anything about yourself
• Making you feel hesitant to share good news

Some real life examples of Stealing Your Light (AKA SABOTAGE) may go something like this:

1. You tell the class you are in that you acted in a movie when you were younger. The professor was asking if anyone had any experience in the film industry. You felt comfortable sharing this information and the reception to your comments were positive. After class you mention this to your partner. You see nothing wrong with anything you said. The next day your partner starts delivering sarcastic remarks and put downs over how you think you are an actress. He/She starts joking that you were trying to impress people. Soon you find yourself feeling awful. Were you bragging? Were people in class actually laughing at you behind your back as your partner is suggesting?
2. You are up for a very important job interview. You need this interview to go perfectly in order to support yourself and your family members. Two days before your interview the abuser/manipulator begins acting strangely cold and distant. The night before your interview he/she causes a huge fight and leaves in the middle of the night, causing you to sob all night long, miss important sleep and almost miss your interview. You show up to the interview but you look and feel haggard. Not surprisingly, you do not land the job. A week later the abuser/manipulator seems happy and resumes the relationship, acting as if nothing happened. 
3. You are trying to lose weight. Your partner has consistently told you that he/she prefers a fitter and thinner partner. You are going to reach your goal and really be the dream girl/dream guy your partner describes. At first your efforts are ignored or may be praised half-heartedly. However, as you finally hit your first fitness and weight loss goal your partner seems less than thrilled. You are confused. Shouldn't he/she be proud of all your hard work? The next week you notice a lot of junk food around the house. Suddenly you are being wined and dined and taken out for calorie-laden dinners. You try to politely refuse but then you are accused of not wanting to go out and share a special outing with this person. Finally, you give in and your weight begins to go back up. 

Please keep in mind these are real-life examples.
What they really show are the abuser/manipulator's problems and issues. Not Yours.

No one has a right to steal your light! 

Assert yourself and draw your boundary lines. Nobody has a right to make you feel less-than. Calmly state that you will not tolerate this and seek help if asserting yourself puts you into a dangerous situation. All of the examples above were told by real people going through real experiences, just like you. Everyone has a right to protect their own sense of self-worth, it is your human right.