The Scapegoat and the Golden Child

Family of Origin: The Scapegoat or the Golden Child?

One does not choose their family of origin. One does not choose their birth order among possible other siblings and one does not choose roles assigned to them while they are still young children by other family members. This is one of the reasons why being designated in the role of either “Scapegoat” or “Golden Child” can be damaging and can cause potential long term effects on these children as they enter into adulthood.

It is important to first define what a Scapegoat is and what a Golden Child is, as usually both roles are assigned to different siblings in a family. First, know that these types of role assignments are usually done unconsciously in a family and usually are not done with malicious intent. Yes, there are abusive parents, Narcissistic parents and Sociopathic parents who may treat one child far differently than another child in the family. This does sometimes happen and it can occur with conscious intent.

However, in many cases, this type of role assignment is not a conscious action on the part of parents and many parents are simply doing the best they can under the circumstances. Parents often act unconsciously, based upon their own childhoods and the programming they received at an early age. If you had an abusive upbringing then you can be a better judge in your own situation as to whether the roles which may have been assigned to you and your siblings were consciously maliciously done or simply a result of unconscious previous programming. In the end, the result is the same. If you experienced being treated as either a Scapegoat or a Golden Child then you also received a type of programming which can be de-programmed now that you are aware and in control over who you choose to be and what role you assign yourself from here on out.

Scapegoat: In Psychology, Scapegoating is a destructive dysfunctional family pattern in which one member of the family or the social group is blamed for many of the little things which go wrong as well as being discredited, put down, made to feel inferior, always wrong, always told they are bad and the like. In the social structure, one person has been designated as the Bad Guy or the Black Sheep and this is how the Scapegoat is described. Often complaints will be made about the Scapegoat, to the Scapegoat, or outside of the family about the Scapegoat, who will often be described in negative terms. There is a great deal of emotional trauma which can be associated with adult children who grew up as the unwilling Scapegoats in a family dynamic. Often the Scapegoat child internalizes that they are bad or worthless. This can lead to rebellious behavior, criminal behavior or a belief that one can never achieve any real measure of success.

A very good essay on Scapegoats can be found here Scapegoat

Golden Child: On the opposite end of the spectrum is the Golden Child. This role also represents a destructive dysfunctional family pattern in which one member of the family or social group is praised constantly and idealized. The child receives a “golden status” and the child can do no wrong. If the child does misbehave, the behavior is minimized by the over-indulgent parent or parents. There is some research that suggests the Golden Child is typically the favored child or ‘trophy’ of a Narcissistic or otherwise emotionally abusive parent. There is some chance of the Golden Child getting stuck in behaviors and patterns to continue to please the parent or parents, possibly becoming Narcissistic himself or herself . Golden children are often fearful of losing their high status (unearned and simply bestowed upon the child). This child often experiences guilt and shame if they see their sibling(s) treated differently and this role can be just as stressful on the adult children who grew up as the unwilling Golden Child in a family dynamic.

An informative article on growing up the favorite or ‘Golden’ child can be found here Favoritism Does Exist

So What Can You Do?

First you need to try to look at the situation with fresh eyes, as an outsider, and logically think back to instances where you feel you may have been treated as either a Scapegoat or a Golden Child. Look for clear signs of mistreatment and make note of how you were feeling when this occurred. Did it happen often? Does it continue to occur? How do you feel when you are around people who may be placing this role onto you?

Second, you need to remind yourself that you have also been conditioned to see yourself in this role. You may have come to believe that you are bad or worthless, you may have come to believe that you need to be perfect all the time. Examine what beliefs you have about yourself and think back to where these beliefs may have come from.

Remember that you are not to blame and that you are not what people say you are simply because they say so. You have the ability to change your own perception of yourself. Ultimately, this is where you can start – with how you see yourself- and do not give power to those who may continue to try to place you into a negative old role. You can do your own inventory of what is good about you, commendable about you, what your weaknesses may be and where you need to improve. This is also something you can work on in therapy to gain an unbiased sense of you as a person and how you see yourself.

You may need to create distance between yourself and anyone who continues to abuse you or force the role of either Scapegoat or Golden Child upon you. Sometimes it is as simple as refusing to play the part any longer and building up your healthy boundaries and self-esteem. In some cases, once you do the work the others in your group may notice the changes and also change their ideas about you accordingly. However, if you find you are being disrespected and forced into a role that you find destructive and unfair you may need to assert yourself or remove yourself from the situation with the assistance of a licensed therapist or clinician experienced in family dynamics.

Be aware that blaming family members will often backfire and will not have the effect you desire. It is better and far more effective to work on yourself, grow your own healthy level of self-confidence (not overblown egotism and not self-doubting insecurity) but to find a healthy place for yourself and then dealing with others from that healthy place. It is often not helpful to start major conflict and it is equally not helpful to just forgive all and be too much of a people pleaser. If you feel you were treated destructively and unfairly you have a right to express this but in a positive, assertive manner without maliciousness or blame. You simply feel that you experienced A, B, and C and you want it to be known this is no longer okay and you want to be treated with kindness and respect. An experienced psychologist or therapist can help to guide you through your transition from childhood victim of circumstances to an adult who has a healthy level of care and regard for himself/herself. Your power comes from breaking the cycle, creating healthy boundaries on what you will and will not accept, and healing in the process so that this dysfunctional cycle is not repeated with your own children.