Setting Boundaries is So Important


One thing I have heard in my experience with those dealing with Cluster B Personality Types ( Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Bipolar, Sociopath/Psychopath) whatever term fits the drama Queen or King you may be dealing with, is how do I set boundaries? This is especially difficult when dealing with Narcissists and those with Antisocial Personality Disorder – who may be Sociopathic/Psychopathic. Let me just insert here that Antisocials are on a spectrum (as is true for many disorders) and can range from mild to sociopathic/psychopathic. And the label Psychopath is no longer used in the field of Psychology in the DSM. The term used more often is Sociopath or APD (Antisocial Personality Disorder)…okay, onto our topic!
From everything I have learned and what I have seen from the experts, setting boundaries can be a tricky task. It is vital to do so if you are in close proximity to a Narcissist, Sociopath or the like. However, these personality types tend to be without empathy and are master manipulators so it is not a clear-cut as simply saying “No”.


You can choose to go “No Contact” – which refers to cutting ALL forms of contact with the abuser or you can choose to go “Grey Rock” – which means being about as interesting or interested in the abuser as a Grey Rock – preferable when No Contact is not an option, you share children, or similar.
However, if you are currently in a relationship and unable to simply cut contact then setting boundaries is essential to your mental well-being.
There are many YouTubers like the video included above and narcissist support groups online which can give you help with boundary setting. The short version is there will be some things you simply cannot accept and you must understand that with these personality types, every boundary you never thought could be tested can and will be tested.
One thing you can do is minimize your reaction to something that is unpleasant or perhaps near your personal boundary lines but not a full cross-over into an area which would do you emotional harm or damage. Minimizing your reaction is like letting the air out of a balloon. These types relish and thrive upon the supply they receive from your reaction. Take that away and you have just taken away all of their fun. Of course, this may lead the abuser to push further across your boundary lines to look for said reaction.

In this case, once your boundaries have been recklessly and purposely crossed, you can try to remove yourself from the situation. Leave the room (without making an argument of it – because after all, that is a reaction which still gives energy or supply to the abuser), suddenly becoming busy or finding a legitimate (in their eyes) reason to go is one way to make your point without a verbal confrontation.
However, you know your narc or sociopath and if you feel this may place you in danger or may trigger violence then I strongly suggest you seek professional assistance and call your local shelter or abuse hotline. I cannot state this strongly enough. If you feel (even feel) you may be in danger then immediately seek help and do not inform the abuser you are seeking help.
If this is likely to only cause irritation and not a violent flare up then you can decide if you feel comfortable enough to leave the situation when you find your boundaries being crossed.
If your narc or sociopath is with you in public and fears/cares what others think (narcs tend to be very concerned with self-image whereas there are sociopaths who could care less what others think) you can possibly subtly hint or embarrass them slightly into better behavior or using better manners. However, it is possible they can go into a rage later in private so if you choose this method you may still need to leave the situation afterward, at least temporarily.

When asked if you will consent to a certain thing you do not wish to consent to you can simply say “No, I would not like to do that”…calmly and without emotion. If you feel safe enough in the relationship to express yourself then stating “no” without any emotion involved is far more effective than feeding the narc or disgusting the sociopath with an emotion-laden reaction. Again, this is only a way to try to set some boundaries if you feel safe enough in doing so. If something even this small might spark retaliation you may have to seek outside help and then take steps to leave permanently and go “No Contact”.
  • Will you see an escalation of behavior to try to get a reaction out of you? Probably.
  • Will you upset the abuser by asserting yourself however mildy? Probably.
  • Will you get the Silent Treatment for daring to leave the house to go for a walk? Most Likely.
  • Will you feel even a little more calm and in control if you practice non-emotional reactions to their head games and tests? Very Likely So.
Please read books on safely setting boundaries and watch as many informative videos as you can on the subject. If you feel yourself in danger or if you have been threatened in any way, take it seriously. When the masks of sweetness slip and you are bullied or threatened it is not just a “mood”. It is what the abuser really thinks. Please take any threats seriously and seek help if needed.