Inspired by a recent article from XOJane.com on what she learned from dating 4 of these jerks, I decided to come up with a list of my own.
Some of this list is (not surprisingly) similar to hers...hey, did these guys all go to the same boarding school?
So, if you are unsure whether you are dealing with a
manipulative covert or overt Narcissist, a Sociopath or just a selfish human
being...read on
1. Nothing is ever their fault - E V E R
Have
you ever dealt with this type of person? It matters not whether completing a
certain task or showing up
somewhere on time is their responsibility
because responsibility is simply not in their
vocabulary.
If they wake up in a
terrible mood it will be your fault.
They will make sure it is your fault because they will pick a fight
over something so silly, so ridiculous, that you will be unsure whether you should laugh or
cry.
This type of person is a miserable
person in general so if he/she wakes
up in a demonic mood then you can count the minutes until your entire day has been ruined as well.
Be warned - if you try to defend yourself, then this person
now has the ammunition to bad-mouth
you to family, friends, anyone who will hear them moan and groan about what a "difficult" or
"crazy" person you are. Don't
even bother trying to fix things, apologize (even though you did nothing wrong) or smooth things over. This
will only be used as further ammunition
to show everyone how "neurotic" you are.
***Best advice for this situation -
State calmly that you are not at fault and then ignore
them. Why? Because you will be
ignored anyway once they realize you are not crying and begging for
forgiveness. They will choose
to give you the silent treatment for
hours, maybe days.
As ridiculous as their reason
may be (in fact sometimes their "reasons" are downright comical) I
suggest using this time to
catch up on your work, answer your e-mail, listen to the music he/she hates, enjoy activities you
cannot normally enjoy when he/she is around...in short, do your prison time your way.
Do not attempt to make things
better because you CANNOT.
This is their show and you are only a small bit actor in their theater play.
Why try?
2. This brings me to the Silent Treatment
Hear
that echoing sound as your voice bounces off the wall and back to you? Yeah, get used to that sound. This is the
classic narcissist response to NOT getting
their way when they have already tried manipulating, threatening, verbal put-downs and bad-mouthing you to friends and family. When sarcastic jokes at your expense do not produce the desired result these types simply shut you out.
What is the desired result the narcissist or manipulator/abuser wants from me, you
ask?
Oh, that one is easy. They want total domination, power and control over your actions, your feelings
and even your thoughts!
Soooo Romantic, I know!
When the abuser/manipulator/Narcissist/Sociopath realizes
he/she does NOT have total domination
and control over your every move then you will get the treatment. This type
will either shut off his/her phone
and disappear for days or even weeks or (if you are "lucky" enough to live together), they will just
designate their own space and shut the door to shut you out. It doesn't matter if it is a shared bedroom
either - you have been sentenced to sleeping on the sofa- it is her/his room now and you are barred from
entering.
***Best advice for this situation -
Don't be surprised if they go on about their day as if
you do not even exist. This is par for the course.
Neither will they EVER apologize or try to make sure you are okay. Do not
expect this. Refer yourself
back to rule #1. Refer to advice for
rule # 1.
Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. When they
finally do start talking to you
again they will either
A) behave as if nothing happened and everything is just
fine
or
B) start up the blame
game, saying "well, if you hadn't done (fill in the blank) then I wouldn't have done (fill in the blank).
Best
advice for scenario A)
..Do the same.
Everything is fine and you did not even
realize they were ignoring you! You
were having too good of a time being busy with your own life to notice -trust me on this, it will make them
seethe but since they started this game, it is only fair you end the stand-off on your own terms.
Best advice for scenario B)
Laugh it off!
When they say what
they say to pass the blame to
you, throw the ball back on them! If they call you crazy, laugh and say
"who is the crazy one again?"
Laugh as if it is the most immature thing you have ever seen. It is surprising
how quickly this can reign-in the
ego of even the biggest ego.
3. You are the one who is ...Crazy, Jealous, Insane, Controlling, A Bad Parent, Lazy, Ugly, Fat,..did I forget any?
There are 2 processes at play here.
1 is called "Projecting" and the 2nd is called "Mirroring" and it is really a
reflection of their own inner negative qualities
which are projected onto you. Flattering, no?
When they go on a rant and rage - and they
will - this is all the lovely emotional
yuck which will be thrown onto you.
In
the beginning of the relationship they will
Love Bomb you (overwhelm you with
attention and loving care). Part of that strategy is they will "mirror" all the qualities which are best in
you and "mirror" all the qualities
you are looking for in a partner.
Of course, it is a projected fantasy (your
fantasy actually, which they
have figured out) and you will think you have found your soulmate, the love of your life. You haven't. Later on you will
see this "Mirroring" in all its negative, degrading, ugly glory.
***Best advice for this situation -
Don't believe the hype!
If you ask those
closest to you, whom you trust, you will be
able to keep some perspective about who and what you are.
Don't believe what
you are being told by your partner
because once you begin questioning yourself and wondering if you are really so terrible... THAT is when they gain
power over you and the abuse only goes downhill from there.
In this
situation you can simply say "I don't think so" and then create your
own space by disengaging
from the person and the situation.
If you decide to end things at this point it is best to go NO CONTACT so you won't get Hoovered (sucked) back into it.
If you cannot go without contact for whatever reason then step-away when you are being verbally attacked.It is no fun for these people if you aren't around to listen to the name-calling...how can you enjoy torturing someone who won't stick around to be tortured?
Remember that wall you were talking to when they gave you the Silent Treatment? Yeah, that wall. Well, it's a 2-way wall, my dears.
4. You are only a receptacle (an audience) for their great performance, which is performed daily! Lucky you!
In other words, only what they say matters...
So, get this. You had a horrible day at work and you just
need to come home and vent. Just for five
minutes. You just need to get it out of your system so you don't turn into a
ball of wax just moping on the couch.
You are starting dinner and busy as a bee but you just want to vent for a while to your loving, caring
partner. Uh-huh, good luck with that!
If it isn't about them then that means it is about you and
that is simply not acceptable. Somehow,
someway, in some terms you cannot even comprehend, the conversation has somehow looped back to who??? You
guessed it. To them. This will go one of a few ways:
A) Either you are selfish for upsetting them and putting stress onto them by
sharing your troubles (a personal favorite)
OR
B) You need to focus on making their dinner, walking their dog, fetching their slippers and you need to stop yapping about every little thing
OR
C) The conversation has somehow
turned to how much they have to put up with at work (or video-gaming all day) and how stressful and
horrible things are, for them.
They
may throw you a "I feel your
pain" line but ultimately YOU could not have had such a bad day because THEIR day was so much worse.
It is a
verbal competition over who had the worst day and you will find yourself empathizing with them (out of social courtesy) while they have just
undermined and railroaded your attempt
to get any sympathy from them.
A real heart-to-heart moment, right?
Another
one they are masters at it is turning any conversation you begin into a
conversation about only them or their
interests. You might start a conversation about religion and suddenly you find you are debating
politics..again...for the 500th time.
It is done so smoothly your head will spin!
If you try to re-assert the
original topic then they will spin it again.
This is especially obvious in a group setting where the
whole group will find themselves either...
A) Debating
with this person
B) Totally failing to bring this person back to talking about the group topic
C) Trying to convince this person
that his point of view is really not what the focus was or that what he/she is saying is outrageous and irrational (hint - the crazy maker already knows this)
D) Politely enduring what has now turned into a
one-man/one-woman show, and finally...
E) Politely excusing themselves and leaving him/her for you to deal with
And
NO DOUBT your partner will rage all the
way home about how stupid or uninformed these people are - especially if they
are YOUR friends. Way to impress, right???
***Best advice for this situation -
Don't even try with this one.
You will never
win and worse, you will lose badly if you
try to gain any sympathy from your partner over anything at all.
If you had a
terrible day please find
someone else to vent to.
The last thing you want to do is end up in an argument
over how selfish you are
and how you are "stressing" your partner out with your constant
problems.
In a
group setting you will learn quickly to avoid group settings with your partner.
Because they will embarrass
you and people will start looking at you strangely.
You might find yourself getting invited out less and less.
You will be labeled together to be left off the invite list or relegated to the back corner of the
room.
Narcissist
You5. NO HELP.
Do not expect help lifting those heavy boxes, do not expect
help carrying in all the groceries,
lifting furniture? Call a friend.
The abuser/manipulator is too busy doing
his/her own thing to be of any
assistance.
*Warning Sarcasm Ahead*
Need
help on moving day? Of course your partner will help!
The conversation will be
a variation on this:
"What day was it again? Oh, Sunday, well I might be a
little late, I have to hit the gym first. Can I pick up lunch on the way over?
Sure! But I also have my buddy coming over by 4pm so maybe I should grab a bite
with my buddy (so he doesn't feel ignored, after all). You can just order a
pizza, right? And anyway, you have been saying you need to lose weight. Maybe
you should just pick up a salad instead. What? It's 12pm already? Man, I just
got out of the gym and still need to shower. Yep, I am coming soon. What?
You've been working since 10am? Well, after all, YOU ARE the one who is moving.
Of course you are going to start before everyone else gets there. What's that?
Your cousin is already there helping you? Then why are you on my case! I will
get there when I get there!"
....By 1pm when you call again the phone
mysteriously goes straight to voicemail. You may or may not hear back later
that day, most likely you will hear back a day or two later.
When you finally heard back from them, the conversation may go something like this:
"Man, things have been busy around here, what's up with
you?
What do you mean I didn't show up, I TRIED to show up but you are so
selfish you think the world just revolves around you!
I had a friend in need, I
have my health to look after and I don't need someone trying to control my
every move when I offered to help you and everything!
What do you mean my phone
was shut off? No, it wasn't.
Are you going to start acting crazy again?
Why
can't anything be simple with you?
You had other people helping you, it's not
as if you couldn't do it on your own.
Why do you look to me to do EVERYTHING
for you?
You never even asked me how my day was!
That's how selfish you are!
You have no idea what kind of a day I had....."
and then the conversation
will go right back to him/her.
***Best advice for this situation -
Do not expect this partner to act like a
partner.
Even if you are moving heavy furniture
by yourself to move back in with him/her (after he/she initially kicked you out
of your own home and then
wanted you back so badly he/she might kill himself/herself without you)...
Meanwhile, you are trying to get the desk
into the little elevator and your young child who just had surgery is trying to help you lift the desk...and you
are saying "No honey, don't lift anything".
You finally get to the front door to find your partner is
suddenly lying in bed with a stomach ache and of course, you would be selfish to expect any help - TRUE STORY -
Do NOT ask this type for help, Do NOT count on this person
for help, they will ruin it and let you down.
ALWAYS have back-up.
These types prey upon weak people or people in need.
Do
NOT ever show you are in need because
this strikes a special cruel streak inside and you will see a demon emerge.
You will get very proficient at doing
everything yourself and hiring handymen.
PS: This does not apply to your partner.
YOU are expected to
drop everything at a moment's notice
and even do their own work for them (no joke).
And you are the (fill in the
blank...see #3) if you don't
do everything they want you to do to "help" them.
Remember This:
In your
case Help = No Help.
Although they
will tell everyone how much they helped you.
In
their case Help = Do It All For Them.
